How to Stop People Pleasing

People pleasing can be exhausting and ultimately it affects your energy, mood and relationships...mostly the one with yourself. Here's how to spot it

Please like me, please accept me, please validate me. So I can like, accept and validate myself.

That used to be my default position.

So, in order to feel liked, I used to say 'yes' A LOT. Mostly at the expense of my own needs and desires.

This has more recently been labelled 'people-pleasing': when a person believes their value or self worth is attached to what others think of them.

As social beings it’s natural for us to want to do things for people we love and care about but as a people-pleaser, I took this a step further in deciding (at some point in time), that in order to feel loved and valued, I'd need to make sure everyone else was ok.

That usually meant putting my needs on the back-burner because I would say 'yes' to tasks I didn't really want to do from people that weren't in my 'high value' circle.

I'd then feel frustrated - at the recipient, as well as at myself for not being stronger and saying 'no'. Or resentment for them 'being demanding' (or selfish), or not being appreciative for how much I was doing for them...victim mode was strong in me!

It felt like I was walking a mental tightrope daily. If I didn't say yes, would they be annoyed or upset with me? What would they think? What if they realised they didn't really need me afterall? Would they reject me? What would I do then?

Mental tightrope walking was exhausting. Something had to change.

I started learning to love and accept me by exploring my self beliefs, realigning them and implementing small changes daily to reflect those new beliefs.

I learned where my self-worth ACTUALLY came from. It was within me - what I thought of myself - and that it couldn't come from anywhere or anyone else.

My most important focus became what I thought of myself, rather than what others thought of me.

I created boundaries with my time, which meant I could be more present with those that I chose to spend time with.

I became more productive because I wasn’t trying to do a hundred things at once and my energy levels changed dramatically.

Over time, my entire perspective changed on what I expected and accepted and the way I felt about myself changed. I felt more confident in who I was. I felt free to be me.

So, if you're wondering, here's some signs you might be a people-pleaser:

You find it hard saying 'no' and if/when you do, you feel guilty for it. You're frequently worrying about what others think of you.

You say yes to things that you don't really want to do, a lot. You do things for others' so they don't think badly of you.

You feel resentful for all the things you do for others', feeling you get little in return. You wish you had more confidence to say no.

'Sorry' is a frequent word in your vocabulary and you say it even when something isn't your fault

If you feel you might be a people-pleaser, here’s some questions to ask yourself before taking on tasks:

- Does this task light me up?

- Am I being true to myself/my values by saying yes?

- Am I feeling pressured to say yes because of fear of upsetting someone or letting them down?

- Are there others who can do this, besides me? Do I have time to do this?

- Do I have the energy for it?

- Will saying yes make me feel good about myself or will I feel resentful? Am I expecting anything in return from doing this task?

Finally, here are some tips for overcoming 'People Pleaser' mode:

Start setting clear boundaries - look at immediate areas where you feel the most energetic drain. Eg: are you still answering emails at 10pm at night or on holiday?

Practice self-love and acceptance - this may sound woo-woo but the foundation of people-pleasing is that deep down, you potentially don't feel you're worthy or good enough. This isn't true. If you knew who you truly are and what you're capable of, you'd never doubt yourself - ever. Design a mantra, that you can repeat throughout the day. Eg: "I set boundaries as an act of self-love".

Start with small steps - writing out a massive list of boundaries and thinking about all the ways in which you're going to say 'no', isn't helpful. Making small, incremental changes and committing to them is the way to creating sustainable change. Practice saying "no thanks", without giving an excuse or reason.

Visualise the 'you' that you want to be. How do you think, feel, act in all situations? Hold those thoughts and feelings daily in your mind and practice being that person.

It takes discipline to break a people-pleasing habit because it goes against the grain of what you normally do. And it's uncomfortable! But you’re so worth it. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.

Your wellbeing is untouchable by any other person.

Get to know you. You’re a 10 and the only person that needs to see that...is you.